Jesse Palmerwelcomes us to the Tealight Candle Thunderdome, where most of the season 8 Paradisians are gathered.
OMG, did they seriously invite Salley?
Yes, they did.
Poor guy just has to stand there for hours.ABC
Yes, they are.
Important note: Rodney wins the Thunderdome audience applause-o-meter, followed closely by Genevieve.
Palmer starts with Romeo, I guess just to verify he’s not being held hostage by Kira.
Kira and Romeo.ABC
“Blink twice if you’re doing okay,” says the host.
In response, we get this:
Uh, congrats?
(“I know that you literally can’t afford to work out at Equinox!")
Kate is the worst.ABC
Is it any surprise, rose lovers, that Kate’s apology is totally underwhelming?
Girl, you dissed him for being a dog walker while staring straight into a confessional camera.
You want a dude with money, just admit it.
Logan is skeptical.ABC
Logan clearly isn’t buying it.
He talks honestly about working odd jobs to support his goal of working in the film industry.
“I told that to Kate, and she made fun of me for it…
Jill and Jacob.ABC
I wish you did say it to me,” he continues.
“It would have really showed who you were.”
The crowd LOVES it.
Three cheers for Rodney.ABC
Or maybe they’re just applauding for his suit-jacket/turtleneck combo.
Hold up, what’s going on here?
And she said yes!
Genevieve and Aaron.ABC
Awwww, I do like these goofballs.
Good luck, you weirdos!
Enough with the minor love triangles!
I know I shouldn’t want them to get back together…ABC
Let us now rehash the Holy Trinity of Hot Mess: Rodney, Eliza, and Justin!
Palmer plays a highlight reel of their Paradise pain, and then turns to Rodney for his reaction.
Eliza, too, says she’s sad and disappointed about how things fell apart.
That lady absolutely disapproves.ABC
The audience LOVES it.
A tearful Eliza says she “never stopped” having feelings for Rodney.
“I think I made a mistake,” she whimpers.
Danielle and Michael.ABC
Poor Rodney is near tears himself, but he’s not quite sure how to process everything that happened.
“I felt hurt and humiliated in front of everyone,” he says.
He’s finally starting to heal, though, and he wishes her all the best.
Looking good is the best revenge.ABC
Next up is the Tumultuous Twosome, the Melodramatic Duo, the Breakup Boomerangs… Genevieve and Aaron!
Aaron, too, is feeling repentant.
Aaron goes on to apologize for not being “a kind, understanding, generous man.”
Danielle’s mind is blown.ABC
You guys, is it me, or is this really sweet?
Look, they’re hugging it out!
Side note: The Mexican blanket decor never fails to make me laugh.
Johnny and Neil Lane.ABC
Genevieve and Aaron seem to have left things on good terms.
That’s not the case for our next couple, Brittany and Tyler.
Though they left Paradise together, their relationship is now deader than a half-eaten fish corpse on the beach.
Johnny and Victoria.ABC
“We’re not together,” says Tyler, who comes out to sit on the couch first.
“Everything was awesome.
She came to Jersey right away.
A few reactions to Victoria’s story.ABC
I went to Chicago not soon after, met her family, it was perfect.”
Until it wasn’t.
“She just felt like we were two different people with two different lives,” he says.
These women are Team Johnny.ABC
“And she couldn’t do it anymore.”
Ooof, the universe hit him with a double whammy!
And the audience is definitely not on her side.
Ugh, these two.ABC
I think I heard some boos?
I don’t know.
I just feel like I slowly kind of just didn’t feel the same way.”
Ency and Justin.ABC
This sounds reasonable, rose lovers.
In Paradise, these people literally have nothing to do but talk about and obsess over their relationships.
This is all cold comfort to Tyler, though.
Serene and Brandon.ABC
“You would tell me every day that you loved me,” he says.
“And I loved you, too.”
Brittany’s all,Hold up, Captain Revisionist History.
Jesse wants to help.ABC
It’s pretty awkward, but Romeo is LOVING it.
“If you love somebody, you check up on them.
You see how they’re doing,” he says, his voice breaking.
Serene and Brandon.ABC
“That’s all I gotta say.”
But upon reflection (yes, I reflect on theBachelorfranchise!
), his fragility here does track with his previous behavior.
No. Just no.ABC
Go forth and live your life off-camera, young man!
Eventually, you’ll be glad you did.
And now for something completely different: Happy couple news!
Awww, aren’t they cute?
And Danielle looks good as a strawberry blonde.
Paradise’s resident mom and dad are still going strong.
“It’s been pretty frickin' wonderful,” says Danielle.
Adds Michael, “Meeting Danielle has, like, changed my life.”
It’s all so adorable, and Palmer looks like his heart is about to burst with host-ly pride.
Of course, Michael’s “journey” in Paradise was not without a little drama.
And the most respectful thing to do was to let you know.
I’m incredibly sorry that I hurt you."
Sierra accepts his apology gracefully.
Here’s hoping that by next summer she will not be eligible to appear onBiPseason 9.
Someone snap that woman up!
“He’s laying on her lap, he doesn’t want her to leave,” reports Michael.
“She’s remarkable with him.”
The woman is overwhelmed.
“Are you serious?”
she says, choking up.
“I’m shocked as [bleep] right now!”
Though Michael has never dropped the L-bomb before, Danielle has.
“It, like, fell out of my mouth one day,” she admits.
“I was like, ‘[Bleep]!
He’s not ready for this yet!'”
Apparently, he was, honey!
Up first: Johnny and Victoria.
Step one: The Neil Lane sit-down!
“Are you really ready for an engagement?”
“You don’t have to do anything,” Neil interjects.
“I don’t have to,” agrees Johnny.
“But this is something I think I want to do now.”
Whatever you have to tell yourself, bro.
“God has decided to bless me with something as special as you,” says Johnny.
She’s crying, she’s crying it’s a yes!
That is, it WAS a yes.
Johnny comes out first and states the obvious: “Me and Victoria are not engaged anymore.”
He haltingly fills Palmer in on the details, saying that during their one-month (!)
engagement, he started to feel like he was “not good enough for her.”
Then the arguments started, and rumors followed.
“I really wanted to trust her, but…
I don’t know,” he says sadly.
So… did she cheat on him with Greg?
Were they already broken up when she jetted off to Italy with him?
Let’s find out.
“When we were on Paradise, things were rainbows and butterflies for us,” says Victoria.
I was very straightforward with him."
Vague enough for you, rose lovers?
“I totally empathize with you.
What do you provide to a relationship?”
“If anyone knows me, they know I would not demean a person like that…
The only reason I’m up here right now is because you made this public.”
They continue to go back and forth like this for a while “I didn’t cheat!”
“Yes, you did!”
but everyone, from the audience to the Paradisians on the panel, seems to be on #TeamJohnny.
“Yes,” she answers.
“Greg and I are together.”
The host has a few more questions for her, as well as for… Yep, Greg Grippo is here to back up Victoria’s story.
(Don’t worry Johnny’s already left the building.
He’s outside in the parking lot being consoled by Tyler.)
He enters to a smattering of applause (and a few scattered boos).
Mr. Grippo also insists that he suggested the spur-of-the-moment trip to Rome, which was essentially their first date?
“We couldn’t go and get a drink in New York City or Nashville,” explains Victoria.
When Palmer points out how shady the optics are with this trip, Victoria is unrepentant.
“No one has to understand it.
Everyone can hate us if they f—ing want.
I don’t give two [sh–s],” she scoffs.
This girl has the reality TV villain role down, doesn’t she?
Victoria then proudly displays her new tattoo “Ciao” and guess what?
Greg has one, too!
Brandon and Serene, get your adorable selves out to the Proposal Platform!
Once there, they both profess their love (again), and it’s very sweet.
“I feel like we have two hearts cut from the same cloth,” says Serene.
“In you, I’ve found my best friend.”
Brandon declares, “My happily ever after could have never started until I started a life with you…
I want to start forever with you.”
“Yes,” Serene whispers.
All hail Paradise’s most functional couple!
Wait… what’s going on?
Why is Palmer suddenly on the beach?
In front of God, the cameras, and everybody (except their loved ones)!
Back in the studio, Palmer tries to make it big cliffhanger DID THEY GET MARRIED ON THE BEACH?
but let’s be serious.
They will get married, says Brandon, but not without mom and dad.
“I just feel so grateful for you,” says Serene.
“I love the [bleep] outta you,” he returns.
You see that, rose lovers?Bachelor in Paradiseworks!
(LOL) Good luck, you beautiful duo!
(And gah, did we really need to see Victoria again?
If Tahzjuan wants to date Zach, more power to her, I guess.
But Ms. Fuller can show herself out.)
We did it, rose lovers!
We survived the longest season of television ever!
As always, thank you for taking this “journey” with me.
Before you go, a few final questions: Do you think Brandon and Serene will last?
Are you happy for Michael and Danielle?
Post your thoughts below!
