It was a wild night in Paradise, rose lovers.
That’s right: Split week has begun.
Ashley and Jared are STILL HERE.
Make it stop.ABC
This experiment is a failure.
It’s the day of the rose ceremony, and the men are preparing for the worst.
“I did not think she’d leave,” he confesses to Wells.
Jesse’s back!.ABC
Mmm-hmm that’s how Paradise works, you doofus.
The women, however, are feeling great.
“I am not in my head, and it’s f—ing awesome,” says Genevieve.
Shanae, James, and shrimp.ABC
And Shanae is in the catbird seat, still mulling over whether to pick Logan or James.
“I might shock some people tonight,” she says.
Hey, look who’s here, fresh from his air-conditioned hotel!
Brittany is displeased.ABC
Oh crap, he’s here to “talk about two Bachelor in Paradise legends.”
God willing, they are gone for good.
That said, there is work to be done.
Casey is carried out of Paradise.ABC
Logan, for one, needs to reclaim his spot as no.
1 in Shanae’s heart.
(She’s wearing it as an anklet, but it still counts.)
The guys show Peter the door.ABC
As Shanae and Logan smooch, James sits at the bar despondently.
“I’m fearful I’m going to be here a second time and fail,” he says.
“I’m out here fighting tooth and nail for Shanae.”
Welcome back, ma’am.ABC
And this guy knows that there’s one surefire way to Shanae-nae’s heart:
Shrimp!
Anyhoo, Shanae LOVES it.
“James went the extra, extra mile,” she says.
Finally!.ABC
But will it be enough?
Casey’s wandering around, using a little gallows humor to get through the night.
Good one, buddy!
Something is just blowing Jacob’s mind.ABC
“Peter is a complete [bleep],” says Casey.
Like, crazy."
Not a super likely scenario, but I guess Casey has nothing to lose.
Michael and Danielle.ABC
And rose lovers, it’s a doozy.
“No one wants to get involved in drama,” says Jill (LOLOLOLOL).
I want him to leave."
Michael’s emotional.ABC
“just get up those stairs and get the f— out of here,” she snaps.
“I’m telling you right now, I feel very dizzy, and, um…
I think I might pass out.”
Single and shower fresh.ABC
“Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!”
yells Andrew, as everyone calls for help.
The medics arrive to check him out, and soon Casey is sitting up and answering their questions.
“I think it’s probably more circumstantial than physical,” he admits.
“I felt overwhelmed by what was going on around me.”
Thank goodnessBig Paulieis in the house!
In case you were wondering: Nope, Casey is not coming back.
It’s okay, the dude was going to be sent home this week anyway.
Despite being told he is very much not wanted in Paradise, Peter is still skulking on the beach.
He claims that it’s his decision to leave, which he is doing on his own terms.
Rose lovers, kindly welcome…
Ohhhh, right.
So yeah, production just sent in the almost-widow to save the widower from elimination.
Michael runs up and gives her a big hug, and then they share a margarita at the bar.
“They’re the same person with different genitalia!”
“They should be together.”
From your lips to producers' ears, Wells.
Should we just skip ahead to the second rose ceremony of the season?
Yes, let’s.
Rose ceremony roll call!
“He’s having an epiphany right now!”
“I think he’s stuck,” notes Johnny.
Could somebody yo force-quit Jacob?
Otherwise, the day gets off to a calm start.
Danielle gets a date card, so naturally she asks Michael to join her.
This showlovesan uncomfortable camera angle.
Though Michael and Danielle have DM’d in the past, they’ve never met in person.
His late wife, for example, was very organized, which helped him organize his own messy ass.
Indeed, Laura’s on Michael’s mind a lot during this date.
“On paper, Danielle and I are a perfect match,” he says.
Then they share a kiss because when in Paradise, do as the Paradisians do.
Back on the beach, everyone is just basking in their contended couple-ness.
“It’s psychology,” he explains.
After gathering everyone in the rose palapa, the host drops the bomb.
“Your relationships are now going to be put to the test,” he says gravely.
“Ladies, you’ll be packing your bags, because you’re leaving Paradise.”
Immediately, the OG women start to panic.
“I’m looking at these five beautiful ladies with fresh, blown-out hair.
And I look like wet dog,” says Victoria with a sigh.
So, it was the wrong day to do that, for sure."
Big facts, bro.
The original women begin the slow trudge back to their room.
Genevieve, however, has decided that she would like to be excluded from this narrative.
“I’m not staying here.
I’m not doing that,” she huffs.
“Like, no.”
“They can’t give us one good f—ing day,” she sobs.
Of course not, honey!
We’ll probably have to wait until tomorrow to find out.)
As for the men?
They’re greeting the new women with hugs, a toast to “new beginnings,” and shots.
“Part of me knows I really care for Shanae,” continues Logan.
“And getting even doesn’t always mean doing the right thing.”
Welp, rose lovers, the split-week chaos has begun.
Besides Serene and Brandon, do you think any of the current couples will survive this “test”?
Are Michael and Danielle a good match?
And why is Victoria so mean about Johnny’s surfing skills?
He was having fun!
Post your thoughts below.
