If you ever wanted to hear Jon Bon Jovi serenading R2-D2, this is the place.
But enough about the infamousStar Wars Holiday Special.
It’s time to talk about that other highly suspectStar Warsholiday endeavor Christmas in the Stars!
The cover of the ‘Star Wars’ holiday album ‘Christmas in the Stars’.Rhino
)Christmas in the Starswas released.
But was the Force strong withChristmas in the Stars?
The hosts ofEW’sStar Warspodcast,Dagobah Dispatch, decided to take a track-by-track deep dive on the album.
Jon Bon Jovi.Koh Hasebe/Shinko Music/Getty Images
(Probably a wise decision.)
It also earns extra points for rhyming “cookie” with “Wookiee.”
DEVAN COGGAN:Look, this entire album raises more questions than it answers.
Why does C-3PO know about Christmas, but R2 doesn’t?
Have droids heard of Jesus?
And what exactly is a hover skate?
This first number is kind of a bop!
The chorus also rhymes “stars” with…
I can only assume my parents hid this knowledge from me and my sister to spare their own eardrums.
Nevertheless, this entire album will now be in my permanent Christmas rotation.
Apparently so, because that’s the ostensible reason for this song’s existence.
Adding to the confusion is the fact that C-3PO name-checks both Albert Einstein and H.G.
(To be fair, Wells did have a time machine.)
It’s a perfectly tolerable bit of cheese.
Gotta love that Marvel-Star Warssynergy!
It also seems likeGeorge Lucaswasn’t paying super close attention during the production of this festive work of art.
“The Odds Against Christmas”
DALTON:This is a legit terrible song.
I don’t even understand what it means.
DEVAN:Yeah, this one’s pretty bad.
And, if I may be so bold, the centerpiece of the album.
DEVAN:I couldn’t agree more.
“What Can You Get a Wookiee for Christmas” officially slaps.
That is not a joke.
(Jon’s cousin Tony ran the recording studio and co-produced the album.)
We’ll go in by the fire, and warm your little wires."
Is it fun to think about a tiny Bon Jovi singing his heart out to R2-D2?
My favorite moment is when Bon Jovi pronounces “chimney” like it has three syllables.
LAUREN:Wait a minute!
You don’t pronounce “chimney” with three syllables?
Dick Van Dyke inMary Poppinshas lied to me all these years!
On paper it sounds like an absolutely dreadful idea, but I actually kind of don’t mind it.
Oh, and spoiler alert: R2 learns how to sing by the end.
DEVAN:Yeah, this is fine.
LAUREN:I would have liked more of C-3PO singing classic Christmas tunes on this album.
Do you think we could get them to do a volume 2?
(I didn’t realize droids were ticklish, and remain somewhat confused at how that exactly works.)
He already has a comb, you know?"
It turns out the dataisin!
And whatcanyou get a Wookiee for Christmas (when he already owns a comb)?
Well, you’ll have to risk madness by listening to this song to find out.
DEVAN:This one sounds like a rejected outtake from a Muppets Christmas special.
Besides the occasional Chewbacca noise, it also doesn’t sound all thatStar Wars-y!
LAUREN:That’s an insult to the Muppets!
Paul Williams would never!
Can Rudolph make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs?
I’d like to hear him to readA Christmas Carol.
DEVAN:My main takeaway from this entire album is that… S. Claus kind of sucks?
It needs more C-3PO, or Wookiees, or a certain young New Jerseyan soon-to-be hair rocker.
