And yet somehow manages to play another day.
Some people just shouldnt go onSurvivor.
Its not necessarily an indictment on the individual.
‘Survivor 47’ contestant Andy Rueda.Robert Voets/CBS
But Andys world quickly unraveled.
And then came the challenge.
The challenge itself was a hilarious disaster in so many ways.
Andy Rueda, Rachel LaMont, and Sam Phalen on ‘Survivor 47’.Robert Voets/CBS
It is an absolute disaster, the first immunity challenge ofSurvivor 47,Jeff Probst yelled.
But all of that was nothing compared to what happened next.
While his Gata teammates were falling apart in the puzzle, Andy was falling apart over on the sidelines.
The ‘Survivor 47’ cast and Jeff Probst.Robert Voets/CBS
I was gonna be voted out tonight, he told the host.
They were gonna vote me out.
Probst had to tell him, Dude, youre in the game still.
The ‘Survivor 47’ cast and Jeff Probst.Robert Voets/CBS
Look, I know how absolutely brutalSurvivorchallenges are.
I have done around 25 of them over the years on location.
Just look at me.
TK Foster on ‘Survivor 47’.Robert Voets/CBS
Charles Atlas, I aint.
But there clearly was more to this than just physical exhaustion.
It was a disaster.
‘Survivor 47’ contestant Gabe Ortis.Robert Voets/CBS
But heres the thing: Even after a truly disastrous first three days, Andy isstillin the game!
I couldnt tell you.
Heres hoping Andy can at least find emotional stability, if not game stability, out there.
Rome Cooney in ‘Survivor 47’ premiere.CBS
Like, for instance…
We now interrupt thisSurvivor 47recapfor a BREAKING NEWS ALERT.
Fijian authorities have announced that they have discovered a male adult stuck at the bottom of a well.
The male adult has been identified as former battle rapper and current not-goodSurvivorplayer Jerome Cooney.
‘Survivor 47’ contestant Rachel LaMont.Robert Voets/CBS
Hope I dont get in trouble for spilling all that behind-the-scenes tea.
Anyhoodle, it was a two-hour premiere, so theres other stuff to get to.
As well she should be.
Rome Cooney, Genevieve Mushaluk, and Solomon ‘Sol’ Yi on ‘Survivor 47’.Robert Voets/CBS
Jerseyites have a very strong reality TV record.
Look no further than the year 2020, when all five finalists fromSurvivorandBig Brotherwere from the Garden State.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DONT PUMP YOUR OWN GAS!
‘Survivor 47’ contestant Jon Lovett.Robert Voets/CBS
YOU BECOME AWESOME ATSURVIVOR!
Missed opportunity, is all Im sayin.
It was actually that badass drone shot following Kyle into the jungle to retrieve puzzle pieces.
‘Survivor 47’ contestant Teeny Chirichillo.Robert Voets/CBS
I have no doubts they will absolutely dominate on every puzzle all season long.
Just hand them the week one immunity already!
That is time to build those all-important social (and strategic) bonds with your tribemates back at camp.
By going off in a boat by yourself, you remove yourself from that key bonding time.
You also put yourself at risk of disappointing your team when you return with nothing.
Its just not worth it.
I do think it was the right call to retire Sweat vs.
Savvy and move on to something else.
On one hand, I love the spunk, the can-do spirit, the moxie.
As noted gridiron philosopher Herm Edwards once opined, You play to win the game!
Okay, lets get some first impressions on the three tribes.
Im talking about Gabe!
The guy kept finding things (Clues!
and eventually ended up with an immunity idol for his first three Tribal Councils.
In this case, it seemed pretty obvious to the others what Gabe was doing.
For one thing, TK watched him find the key.
For another, Gabe seemingly woke the entire island up with his accidental box roll down the mountain.
Was it all worth it just to get a shot of Rome almost falling head-first down a well?
That leaves idol-obsessed Rome and Genevieve on the outs.
At least for now.
It certainly was interesting how nobody seemed to know who the hell Jon Lovett was.
In essence, she pulled a reverseBrandon Donlon.
Put a ladder in front of her and who knows what would have happened.
Man (and woman) overboard!
you know we are hitting peak entertainment value.
As the Hostmaster General would say later, You want something soft?
Lovett or leave it?
I never even considered that Jon could be the first person voted out of the game.
Never crossed my mind as a possibility.
Would the greatestSurvivorstoryteller ever get booted on day 3 of the game?
This guy is going to have everyone eating out his hand!
Hes a professional writeranda professional public speaker.
We should just cut him the million-dollar check right now!
I replied to myself.
I asked self No.
1s obsession with oversized novelty checks.
At least not out loud.
But I did think the guy was poised for a long run.
Was it really all about keeping the stronger physical specimen in Andy for the challenges?
Was Jon considered too big a threat?
And now one of the (alleged) greatestSurvivorstorytellers ever is gone.
GONE, I SAY!
Gone like my main man Zane Knight!
Gone Debb Eton style!
Gone like Wanda Shirk, but without the singing!
I guess what Im getting at is that Jon willnotbe mySurvivor 47winner pick.
Not a ton of strategy shown yet.
Im flying a bit blind here, is what Im saying.
I like Anika, but she set herself up as a Tribe leader, which is very dangerous.
I also like Sam, but you know who else really likes Sam?
Sam really likes Sam!
Rachel really popped this episode, but Rachel is also intense.
Will that intensity scare people?
You may have noticed Im mentioning all Gata people.
Like, at the risk of sounding vaguely Seinfeld-esque, whats Sols deal?
And isnt there someone named Sierra Mist or something, or am I making that up?
Okay, my episode 1 pick to win it all is… You know what?
F it, Im picking Teeny.
Im allowed to pick Teeny!
Is this my Jersey pride kicking in?
AndCarolyn(very muchnotmySurvivor 44winer pick, incidentally) made it all the way to the end.
Plus, there was a moment where Teeny may have flashed some keen game sense that impressed me.
Rome and Genevieve were bonding, and then tried to bring Teeny into their budding alliance.
Sure, very possibly.
Its not a ton to go on, but its all I have, so Teeny it is.
We have anexit interview with the dearly departed, so double-check to check that out.
We also have anexclusive deleted scenefor you, so go watch even MORESurvivorat the link.
Plus, Probst isweighing in on the first elimination, and we have you covered there as well.
This is the 47th season ofSurvivor, and also happens to mark my 47th season of writing aboutSurvivor.
And, as always, Ill be back next week with another scoop of the crispy.
