I know it’s only Tuesday, rose lovers, but it’s already been a long week.
Let’s do this!
Yeah, not gonna recap this filler.
Evergreen GIF.ABC
(That said, I did like the moment that Zach fed Palmer a chocolate-covered strawberry.
Normalize men eating sweets together on television!)
Time to welcome the women to the stage.
Christina Mandrell (right) goes to her happy place.ABC
Everyone looks great, though I absolutely did not recognize Victoria J. at all.
She looks like a totally different person.
What a difference a dye job makes.
Welcome, Dr. Kira.ABC
The Drama RehashTM begins with the only woman here who is allowed to have two names: Christina Mandrell!
Brooklyn jumps in first, saying that Christina’s actions were “manipulative” and “calculated.”
(“You weren’t there!")
Kat is crying (AGAIN).ABC
What’s Christina Mandrell doing during all this crosstalk about her, you ask?
Keeping her mouth shut.
(The woman clearly learns from her mistakes.)
Raise your hand if you’re sure.ABC
Eventually, Palmer asks her to comment on the whole situation.
“I probably could have shut the f— up a little bit more,” she admits.
Well said, ma’am!
Palmer and Zach.ABC
Then Cat jumps in with this (alleged) bombshell:
Even Palmer is shocked: “What?”
It’s the only way the man can gain control of these harpies, I guess.
Finally, Anastasia gets a chance to defend herself.
Dude, come ON.ABC
“I didn’t have a boyfriend, to clear that up,” she says.
“I don’t appreciate being lied about.”
“If you want to call me aggressive, fine.
Congrats, Charity!.ABC
Call me aggressive for love,” she says.
“Unlike you, I was there for the right reasons.”
Anastasia raises her hand to speak.
She apologizes to Kylie for making her feel uncomfortable, adding, “I’m always learning.”
Kylie is less than convinced, noting that up until this moment she had not received a real apology.
“It was more so, ‘Oh God, people are going to think these things of me.
What’s it going to do for my life?
What’s it going to do for my career?’
It was still Stas playing the victim,” she says.
“I hope you are educated on this situation… and you become a better human because of it.
But now, I accept your apology.”
Let’s rehash theEstonia drama, shall we?
Palmer asks Kat to explain why she stole Zach before Zach’s one-on-one date with Charity.
“But obviously it did, and I apologized immediately, and I felt really bad.”
“Not immediately,” says Charity, jumping in with the fact check.
“Kat did apologize later on, and we’re good.”
The air isnotcleared between Kat and Brooklyn, however.
“And I’d say it again!”
Meanwhile, Christina Mandrell pullsa Chris Pine at theDon’t Worry Darlingpress conferenceand just fully dissociates.
Jesus, take the wheel.
The first woman to take her place in the Hot Seat is… Jess?
I’m not sure why producers thought fans would be clamoring for more from her, but okay.
“It hurts to see myself,” says Jess, after watching her abrupt departure from the show.
I was proud of myself.”
Okay, Greer you’re up!
And thenZach dumped you anyway?
Yeah, that was awkward.
Yeah, that wasreallyawkward.
“We’re not going to miss that opportunity here tonight.”
To that end, he offers Greer a chance to apologize again for her statements.
“What I failed to mention in my apology was, uh, that what happened was racist.
It’s not about the intent, it’s about the impact.
This acquaintance of mine that I knew performing blackface was racist.
Me defending it was racist.
My ignorance was racist,” Greer says.
“And I’m just so ashamed.
I’m just deeply sorry that I hurt the Black community.”
As part of her efforts to “have a go at do better,” Greer met withDr.
Greer also did some research into the history of blackface to learn more about why it is so wrong.
“I just realized it was a symbolism for dehumanizing the Black community,” says Greer.
“Defending that girl was racist.”
But honestly, their double standard here is appalling.
(Palmer grilled him about some sketchy text messages instead.)
Let’s close this segment with some wise words from Dr. Kira.
“We can’t nice our way out of racism,” she says.
Let’s hope the producers take her advice.
Somehow, we’re still only halfway through this episode.
Who’s ready to watch Kat cry some more about her “journey”?
“Even now, watching it, I don’t understand.”
My whole family just came together through this."
Wow, that is happy news.
TV boyfriends come and go, but family is forever.
Time for a quick poll.
“How many of you thought that Zach was going to end up with Charity?”
A bunch of audience members raise their hands, as do several women on the stage.
Nobody asked you, Victoria J.!
Once on the Hot Seat, Charity tears up watching her post-hometowns breakup with Zach.
Now, Charity adds, she’s “even more eager and ready to truly find my person.”
Hold that thought, ma’am we’ll circle back to it later.
What’s that, Jesse?
We’re mixing up the bloopers with some deleted scenes?
Work it, Mercedes!
“), I just have one word for that:Bless.
She is simply too pure for this franchise.
See how much fun we could be having if we just put down our phones, America?
As for the poop talk, well… everyone has their own opinion about relationship/bathroom etiquette.
From bowel movements to the Bachelor what a perfect segue.
hey welcome Zach Shallcross, everybody!
No, he cannot.
The Bachelor says he simply had to cut someone before hometowns, and her time was up.
(I’m paraphrasing.)
Charity has a similar query, and Zach gives a similar answer.
“It was hard, and I didn’t feel good that day,” he says.
“I just want you to know I do think the world of you.”
“It hit me like a truck,” he says.
Live and learn, sir.
The bloopers are decent Boom mics falling over!
Mercedes doing a farmer’s blow!
An actual tarantula invading Kaity’s confessional!
As Bugs Bunny would say,what a maroon.
Welp, that’s a wrap, rose lovers.
I’ll see you again next…
Sorry, I spoke too soon.
And the “winner” is…
Yep,Charity Lawson is our new Bachelorette!
(And the way Palmer broke the news was truly sneaky.)
Okay, now we’re really done for the night.
I hope you stayed hydrated through this two-episode week, rose lovers.
Are you pleased with ABC’s Bachelorette pick?
Which of these women do you think we’ll see inParadise?
Post your thoughts below!
The Bachelorairs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
