This week onThe Bachelorette, Jenn and her suitors fled the (rat-infested?)
Hummingbird Nest Ranch and began their international journey to find love.
Welcome to Melbourne Jenns right, itspronounced MEL-ben Australia, rose lovers!
Aaron Erb brings his guns to the airport on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Um, Aaron Erb, would you just put your shirt back on?
Youre in public, bro!
The guys meet Jenn at theQueen Victoria Marketfor a consumption-oriented hang.
Jenn learns she’s eating kangaroo testicles on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
First up: Vegemite tasting!
Grant describes the taste as soy sauce peanut butter, which honestly doesnt sound that bad to me.
But clearly, Jenn does NOT love it.
Devin and Jenn eat gelato on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
But not just any meatball.
Love how the salesman waited until after Grant started chewing the meatball to announce this.
like let us know!)
Aaron Erb and his pearl necklace on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Its been a crazy day, says Jenn.
I had a kangaroo testicle in my mouth.
All of them except Sam N., that is.
Devin crashes Aaron’s party with ice cream on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Strike one was when he told Jenn he doesnt like olives (I love olives!
she replied), and now he wont try the cheese because he cant do dairy.
On the other hand, Devin is determined not to get lost in this octo-pod.
Look at Marvin! Give him some more camera time, ‘Bachelorette’ producers!.ABC
I have a surprise for you, he murmurs to Jenn.
But we have to be quiet.
As he whisks her away from the stall where theyre shopping, the other guys start to grumble.
Grant gets the date rose on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
I feel disrespected, says Aaron Erb.
Were on a group date.
It should be a group date.
Jenn doesn’t let the ice cream go to waste on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
For Devin to pull Jenn away, its like, Who do you think you are?
A contestant onThe Bachelorette, bro!
Who doyouthink you are?
Love is like a leap into the void on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Jeremy suggests that they go take her back and leave Devin in the dust.
The Bachelorette is impressed by Devin’s initiative.
That said, Jenn admits that it is a little bit awkward when the boys come.
Jenn and her skydiving instructor on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
And come they do.
Perhaps its time to lighten the mood!
Ooh, weve got some latecomers here, she says.
Jenn gives Marcus the rose on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
You look like the kind of guys that usually come early.
Of course, we know where this is going, rose lovers.
Jenn needs a man with a sense of humor, after all.
Sam M., Jenn, and a monitor lizard on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Instantly, the men start sweating.
Thats okay, Jonathon.
Self-awareness is important, too.
Hakeem makes a big mistake on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Devin goes first, and he razzes the guys for broing out rather than focusing their attention on Jenn.
(The bar is very low with this group, rose lovers.))
Naturally, many of the other men attempt to insult Devin during their time on stage.
Goldie says hello to Hakeem on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
That should have been the end of it but Aaron Erb just cant let it go.
He goes into the afterparty determined to make Devin come clean about stealing Jenn away.
Bro, didnt your twin brother tell you ANYTHING about how this show works?
The many faces of Hakeem on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Your naivete is a little embarrassing.
As soon as he has an opportunity, Aaron Erb needles Devin for his bold steal during the date.
It seemed maybe a little too soon, he says.
Dylan, Jenn, and a big-ass snake named Melanie on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Devin is completely unbothered, which makes Aaron Erb even more bothered.
Other guys, like Jonathon, choose to focus on their time with Jenn.
He and Jenn bond over being awkward kids who later had a glow-up.
Jenn and Dylan smooch on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Do I spot a personality on the horizon?)
(Sorry, that was mean.)
Grant goes in hard, asking Jenn what shaped her into the woman she is today.
Devin and Aaron on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
And Jenn appreciates that Grant is ready for a family in fact, thats his current mission in life.
It really touched my heart, she admits.
Oh my God, is Aaron Erbstillyapping about Devin stealing Jenn on the date?
A very real and not-at-all made up book on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Okay, this is now starting to smell more like maneuver to get extra camera time than genuine grievance.
Noah, call your bro and tell him to stop being so thirsty for a slot onParadise.
As annoying as Devin is, he handles this unprovoked attack calmly.
Dylan and Thomas N. clash on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Im not here saying your way is wrong, or your way is right, he tells Aaron Erb.
All he did, Devin continues, is take advantage of an opportunity to spend time with Jenn.
I havent seen you take charge, he tells Aaron Erb.
Jenn seems to be thinking, “Good point!” on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Ugh, not Aaron Erb making me take sides with budget Pete Davidson.
(Oooh, what every single woman wants to hear from a potential partner!)
In case you were wondering what the producers have been doing this whole time, wonder no more.
Sam M. and Jenn get hot and heavy on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
(The demented Pop Goes the Weasel ice cream truck music was a nice touch, too.)
Aaron Erb asks for a minute to finish up his chat with the Bachelorette, but Devin declines.
The ice creams melting, Aaron, he says.
Jesse Palmer just can’t with these dudes on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Say it with me, rose lovers: The devil works hard, butBacheloretteproducers work harder.
While Jenn and Devin have their chat, Aaron Erb stands outside and stews in his own hate juices.
Jeremy encourages him to go back in and kick Devin out, which the elder Erb does.
Oh my God, is that Devin walking inagainto interrupt Aarons interruption?
This is getting ridiculous.
I feel like Im in a tug-of-war, Jenn says with a sigh.
Dont make a fool of yourself, man, Devin murmurs.
Aaron Erb declines, and the bickering continues.
Yo, boys, READ THE ROOM!
This dick-swinging nonsense is not scoring you any points with the Bachelorette.
Im not loving that Aaron and Devin are battling it out right now, says Jenn.
Its not really up my alley.
She asks Devin point-blank if hes getting along with the other guys.
Absolutely, he lies.
Still, she kisses him.
Lets just get this night over with.
Im going to skip over the rest of the Aaron Erb-Devin silliness and move right to the date rose.
And the winner is…
Congrats, buddy.
The Bachelorette has some ice cream to finish.
On to the first one-on-one date of the season, which goes to Marcus the Army Ranger.
In other words, rose lovers…
The Bachelorette does NOT love it.
She hates heights and is nervous as hell.
As theyre ascending to 15,000 feet, Marcus tries to calm Jenns nerves.
No matter what happens, like, youll never forget Ill never forget this first date.
Unless your parachute doesnt open, pal.
Then youll never remember anything again.
I kid, I kid.
I feel like this is a great beginning to maybe a beautiful love story, she says.
That night, they go to dinner at theState Library Victoria.
It changed my life, he says solemnly.
Over the next few months, Marcus had multiple surgeries and had to learn how to walk again.
Now Im just kind of hyper aware of the fragility of life, he says, tearing up.
I want to live a life that is worth saving.
Oh my God, Jenn just give him the date rose NOW!
Its a beautiful day in the Outback, and Jenn is posing for pictures with a koala.
I love animals so much, she says.
I like them more than I like people.
(Same, girl.)
This brings us to the second group date of the week: A wildlife photo shoot.
Because Jenn needs a man with a sense of humoranda love for animals.
c’mon welcome Blue the lace monitor lizard to the proceedings!
But with every successive creature, Hakeem gets more and more nervous.
But I do not like this Australian wildlife specifically those big-ass, furry spiders.
Come on, Hakeem!
You know better than that!
Dont just take my word for it.
Behold, the most honestBachelorfranchise caption of all time.
Cut to:
Yes, that is a big-ass spider on Hakeems hand.
And he is absolutely losing his mind.
Stop f—ing moving!
Stop f—ing moving!
Hakeem shouts at the arachnid, which is making good time as it crawls up his arm.
When Xavier scoops Goldie the spider off Hakeems shoulder, he still cant relax.
Dont put that s–t on my neck!
(Normalize men showing fear on camera!)
The final animal model of the day is Melanie, a black-headed python.
Dylans kindness earns him the one-on-one dinner.
Though Hakeem is disappointed, he believes his mom would be proud of him.
She knows Im afraid of bugs, he adds.
(Im sure she is, you adorable goofball!)
Back at the hotel, the losers arrive, and they are as Thomas N.s caption reads Crocodile Angree.
(This is calledforeshadowing, rose lovers.)
At dinner, Dylan shares that his parents got married after just six months.
I feel like I get the romantic side from my dad, he says.
Still, Dylan admits that he sometimes feels insecure in a house full of amazing guys.
The Bachelorette LOVES it.
I appreciate his vulnerability so much tonight, she says.
Hes continuing to surprise me.
Awwww, give him that date rose, mama!
Im sorry for the way that I handled things at the end of the night, says Devin.
But I didnt appreciate that you were questioning my character and my depth.
We dont know each other that well.
Its a very valid point, one that Aaron Erb should hear and accept.
But he does not.
Youre asking me about my depth, but you dont even know my name!
He then inexplicably calls Devin a bully which is the ultimate bully move.
What happens next nearly made my brain explode.
Remember whenBennett the Harvard snob gave Noah Erb a book on emotional intelligenceduring Tayshias season?
Welp, now its Aaron Erbs turn to patronize someone with a self-help tome.
“I brought this with me.
Its my own book, he says.
Its something Ive read a few times.
Its helped me grow as a person.
Hes giving it to Devin, he says, because I just want to see you do your best.
Not on Amazon, Google Books, or websites that specialize in out-of-print titles.
c’mon let me know if you find it, rose lovers.
The cocktail party begins exactly the way we knew it would: With Devin stealing Jenn away first.
Even so, many of the men are shocked shocked!
that he would be so bold in this competitive reality TV environment.
Youre always going to get the good, the bad, and the ugly of me, he explains.
Suddenly, Thomas N. barges into the room and literally attempts to drag Devin away by the hand.
Let me talk to you for a second, big man, he huffs.
As they argue back and forth, Jenn decides to move a little closer so she can hear better.
Devin accuses Thomas of being entitled Oh, this is my time!
I deserve to be first!
Nobody deserves anything in this life, Thomas!
and Jenn seems to agree.
None of them are pleased to hear that Thomas N. put Jenn in such an awkward situation.
But then you guys are making decisions for me, she complains.
Youre taking my independence out of that, and I dont think thats in your power.
Tell him, mama!
Oh, and our Bachelorette is not done.
Thomas N. is appropriately chastened.
I messed up, he admits in his confessional.
I dont feel great about how I left things with Jenn.
Dont worry, pal.
Dude, you embarrassed yourself, Devin barks.
You ruined her night.
Rose ceremony roll call!
Pardon me while I heave the heaviest of sighs.
Welp, rose lovers, we made it through week two.
Who is your favorite guy (and why is it Marcus)?
Are you surprised Thomas N. turned out to be such a hothead?
And seriously, have any of you found proof thatPrinciples for Self-Growthis a real book?
