For the love of God, dude, STOP saying that.
We begin with a trigger warning.
ABC
Dont threaten me with a good time, producers!
Trigger warning from ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Oh wait you mean were going to have to watch Jenns men thrusting and gyrating?
I thought you were bringing in some real hunks.
Dang, look at John levitating in the back!
The men work out on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
The focus should be Jenn.
Oh, Spencer, you adorable, bespectacled fool.
When it comes toThe Bachelorette, beef is whats for dinner.
Spencer gets handsy with Jenn on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Come on, bro.
Save the groping for when youre in the helicopter.
She and Spencer pop some champagne as they soar over the12 Apostleslimestone cliffs and rock formations in Victoria.
Spencer and Jenn smooch on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
As beautiful as the scenery is, Spencer and Jenn cant stop themselves from making out.
Spencer he put my seatbelt on for me, he poured my champagne for me, Jenn marvels.
Is that all it takes to impress you, ma’am?
Jenn, Spencer, and Spencer’s ankles on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Raise your standards, woman!
(Pssst… guys, do you realize you are currently thinking and talking about Devin right now?)
Oh my God, go drink a protein shake and shut the f— up.
Jenn gives Spencer the rose on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Wow, is it nighttime already?
What a shame they couldnt find Spencer any socks.
I guess the poor guy will have to Open UpTM about his past trauma with naked ankles.
Jenn with the Thunder from Down Under on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Spencer reveals that he has lost himself in past relationships.
Ive been engaged before.
We bought a house together, he says.
Marcus looks at his cup on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
I was betrayed, he says.
It was rough for a little while after that.
I was just kind of like left to pick up the pieces.
Dylan does his thing on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
The Bachelorette asks if hes ready to be engaged again, and of course, Spencer says yes.
It doesnt scare me, he insists.
Im more ready than ever to be engaged again.
Devin gets cheeky on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
All rightie, then.
Go ahead and give him that rose, Jenn.
The next day, its time for the risque group date.
Sam N. gets cringey on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
I wish Devin wasn’t on this date.
My main focus is my relationship with Jenn.
Cool, cool, cool.
Jenn smooches Devin on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
So happy to hear that youre going to shut up about Devin!
(Narrator: He isn’t.)
To that end, I thought today wed check out a performance from a local talent group.
John presents Jenn with some sweets on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Tomas A. turns four different shades of red as he watches.
Im thinking were going to have to strip today, he says with a sigh.
You are correct, sir!
Sam M. and. Thomas N. on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Sam N., the love virgin, says he is mortified about what hes being asked to do.
I didnt come here to strip, he complains.
I came here for love.
The honest caption writer strikes again on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Welp, you came to the wrong place, sir.
Give it a shot, Sam N.!
Oh boy, Im pretty sure I heard something crack.
Jenn gives Devin the rose on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
This hurts, Sam N. admits in his confessional.
In front of Jenn, I screwed up my wrist.
Maybe not let this be the first Persian who tries to strip and dolphin dive.
Aaron Erb and Jenn take a spin on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Most of the other men on the date are having fun.
This is awesome, says Jonathon, after executing a perfect grip and rip with his white tank top.
Its something fun and exciting.
Austin celebrates his win on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Atta boy, Jonathon!
Even a doofus like Devin doesnt deserve to be body shamed.)
Go choose your silly stripper costumes and dont forget your mandatory protective cups!
Jenn and Aaron smooch on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Not sure how I feel about that idea.)
Dylan performs first, and hes dressed as a… Actually, I cant even key in it.
Just read the caption.
Jenn scolds the men on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Im sorry, but the person who came up with that name needs to go to prison.
Eight Rounds (Grant in boxing shorts); Mr. Jonathon, meanwhile, adds some extra flair to his firefighter-themed performance as Jonny Fire Cheeks.
The Bachelorette, however, is most impressed by Sam M., a.k.a.
Spencer hits his limit on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
I picked him, she tells Jenn.
And it ended up not being a smart choice.
What are the chances that Jenn will listen to that very solid advice, rose lovers?
(Actually, dont answer that.)
Devin the Dirty Detective goes next, and he leans into the assignment literally.
You gotta admire the confidence, notes Tomas A.
(Come on, producers!
Thats a little on the nose, dont you think?)
Striding out on stage in his maroon bathrobe, Sam N. bellows, Cut the music!
and then grabs a mic from Palmer.
From the moment I first saw you, I knew you were different.
You make me feel confident, Sam N. says, gazing intensely at the Bachelorette.
You make me feel secure.
I see myself getting on one knee for you.
Jenn, Im already falling in love with you.
Oh honey, no.
And the Mr. Love Down Under title goes to… Jonathon!
Well deserved, in my opinion.
At first, the mood at the cocktail party is pretty light.
Thats how you do it, gentlemen!
The Bachelorette LOVES it.
Dating, he explains, is all very new to him, and hes constantly second-guessing himself.
I dont even know how to hold your hand, to be honest, he says.
While this is going on, Sam M. and Thomas N. are outside trash-talking the Love Virgin.
This man better get all five-star reviews on Zocdoc.
his awkward speech during the strip-tease date.
This pisses Devin off to no end.
Anybody anybody that decides that thats not right has their own issues.
He’s talking to you two, Dumb and Dumber!
You throw words around like mutual respect, says Devin, addressing Sam M. directly.
I clap for you even though I dont want to.
Now Sam M. is the one whos angry.
You think you got respect for us, yes or no?
Im talking to a clown!
Answer the question!"
I dont respect you, I got nothing to say to you, he says.
We are not going to be friends.
In response, Devin scoffs and says, Mutual respect, and now Thomas N. is pissed.
You have to have the last word!
You are a child!
We then cut right to Sam M.s confessional.
Devin is a bully, he announces.
Ill continue to preach it.
Dont worry rose lovers theBachelorettecaption team knows what youre thinking.
LOLOLOL the graphics team is SAVAGE this season, and I am loving it.
Sam M. and I have a very physical connection right now, she says, stating the obvious.
Theres just something there and I dont know what it is.
[Raises hand] I can answer that, maam!
Its called lust and trust me, it will not last.
That must be very emasculating.
I just got word that my fighter-pilot training dates, they just came through, Aaron Erb explains.
This is what Ive been waiting honestly a year-and-a-half for.
Sir, the choice is crystal clear, right?
I feel like I could have something really special with Jenn, Aaron Erb frets.
It puts me in a really difficult position.
No, it doesnt!
GO BECOME A FIGHTER PILOT, YOU DOOFUS!
Instead, Aaron Erb decides that he needs to attend todays group date before he can decide.
Still, theyre all going to compete in a race, and the winner gets special time with Jenn.
When its Aaron Erbs turn, he immediately begins showing off and whipping around the track.
Somehow, though, Aaron Erb loses out to Austin with a time of 1:23.
Congrats, Mr. Mullet!
Rose lovers, Jenn wasnt even aware that Aaron Erb has his pilot license.
Does she even know hes in the Air Force?
What have they been talking about this whole time??
The rest of the evening goes smoothly.
(Wait, we have TWO love virgins in the cast?
The date rose goes to Jeremy, which leaves Aaron Erb more confused than ever.
Now I have a lot more to think about.
And just as we expected, rose lovers, the Bachelorette urges him to follow his dream.
I wouldnt want to be a source of resentment, ever, she says.
If I were you, I would do the same thing.
Of course, thats where the conversation should have ended.
But Aaron Erb is so thirsty for screen time, he cant leave well enough alone.
Then, the dude has the audacity to claim, Im not trying to scare you!
The Bachelorette does NOT love it.
I feel like it was a disingenuous conversation, she says in her confessional.
But to not tell me who these people are… thats cruel!
With that, Jenn orders Marcus to join her for a chat.
Devin berates him for using his last moments to talk s— about the rest of them.
Eventually, Sam M. gets his turn to chat with Jenn.
When she asks if he was rattled by her speech, hes dismissive.
Everything you said does not apply to me, he murmurs.
None of it applies to me.
God help us, rose lovers, because Jenn believes what hes saying.
This week, what I kept thinking back to was you, she admits.
I kept thinking, like, hes going to make me feel better.
Our dear, delusional Bachelorette will have to learn this the hard way, I guess.
You said it, Spencer.
Tink!Oh, thank the Lord, here comes Palmer with his Butter Knife of Bad NewsTM.
You all know tonight is a big rose ceremony, the host intones.
I also know tonight got heated.
Rose ceremony roll call!
(It looks like maybe both Sam and Devin get one-on-one dates.
Maybe well have to wait until week 5 for the inevitable two-on-one?)
So, rose lovers, how are you feeling?
Are you rooting for anyone besides Marcus?
Will you miss Aaron Erb?
And do you think Doctor Chocolate makes house calls?
Let me know your thoughts on Twitter@KristenGBaldwinor on Bluesky at@kristengbaldwin.bsky.social.
The Bacheloretteairs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.
