Plus, Michael freaking Bolton!
What in the world is going on, rose lovers?
A womans voice snaps, Its coming from a place deep inside of me thats pissed off!
Lauren eats her feelings on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
The camera reveals one of the sisters (Lauren, I think?)
sitting with Joey outside the mansion.
Its nighttime, presumably pre-rose ceremony.
Jesse gets in the swing of things on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
Theres my cake, groans Lauren, irritated by the delay.
Its not red velvet, she mutters.
And now, suddenly, its morning.
Let the fake wedding journey begin!.ABC
(I gather well learn what Laurens hissy fit was about later in the episode.)
On this sunny morning, Joey is giving a tennis lesson to a very special student.
Shes okay, everybody.
It should be illegal to be this cute.ABC
Once the women are dolled up in their gowns, they pile into two festively decorated limos.
Do people still tie tin cans to the back of the married couples car?
Either way, its cute.
Joey and Jess smooch on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
Tell me about it, murmurs Lauren sadly.
Im going to try my best, she says.
I just need to deal with my feelings before I dump this s— on [Joey].
Joey, Rachel, and Michael freaking Bolton on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
Speaking of the Bachelor, how freaking cute does he look in a tux?
I never thought Id have nine brides before, he says with a chuckle.
Joey informs the women that todays date activity will be play-acting at polygamy!
Pssst… Maria! You forgot your shirt!.ABC
Were actually going to imagine that we all just got married, he says.
And we are about to have our own wedding reception.
First up: Bridal musical chairs!
The first Accent Table of Doom sighting of the season!.ABC
Impressive vertical, maam!
Alas, Lauren got there before you.
But at least Joey is impressed.
…ABC
I could talk about Evalins athletic ability all day, he marvels.
Evalin, A+ for effort.
Everyones having a great time, except for Lauren, whos really hurting over the loss of her dad.
Joey and Daisy on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
We interrupt this recap to bring you a The Devil Works Hard, but Bachelor Producers Work Harder update.
Remember how Jess irked everyone last week by bragging about her kiss with Joey?
Over at the bridal table, Taylor is pouting so hard she might pull a muscle.
Joey and Daisy dance like no one’s watching on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
The competition ends with Rachel giving a toast.
The Bachelor LOVES it.
Cut to:
Rachel gets the first dance!
The Blue Team gets the blues on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
Not only that, she and Joey are serenaded by none other than adult contemporary icon Michael Freaking Bolton!
(Obviously, this was filmed beforeBolton was diagnosed with a brain tumor.
Get well soon, legend!)
Joey comforts Edwina on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
The first cocktail party of the season gets off to an interesting start.
I cant breathe in this dress, she explains.
After a brief absence, she comes back wearing… a bra?
Madina has Talker’s Remorse on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
I swear Im not trying to seduce you, she says coyly.
When Maria returns to the holding pen, the other women are less than thrilled about her sexy quick-change.
(Also, since when do these women get to bring multiple outfits to a date?)
Joey gives Edwina the date rose on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
Marias doing things that I personally wouldnt do, says Rachel.
Taylor knows this is aimed at her, and she fully owns up to giving the kiss a thumbs-down.
Im just being honest, she says.
Lexi’s masterpiece.ABC
She starts getting emotional telling him all about her past relationships and how shes been through a lot.
Of course, it was on his side, you beautiful fool!
Did you really think shes making some tearful confession about being a serial cheater?
Um, it’s the thought that counts.ABC
The Bachelor says he understands and urges her to be herself throughout this journey.
Their conversation ends with a hug and a smooch.
The Accent Table of Doom is here!
Welcome back, little buddy!
And the first one-on-one date of the season goes to… Daisy!
Ive never had this conversation with a date, she explains.
There sure are a lot of candidates for the date rose tonight.
And the winner is…
Ugh, okay.
On to Daisys date!
Yep, a music festival… for the woman with a cochlear implant.
First the helicopter, and now this.
Producers are really going above and beyond with the evil for this date.
And Joey seems super smitten.
Im just really excited around Daisy right now, he says.
I just want to know more about who Daisy is.
Yep, at dinner!
For now, its time to dance on stage while an artist namedBahamasserenades them.
They smooch, and the audience cheers.
Hooray for random strangers making out!
When I was 11, I started having these stroke-like seizures, she explains.
That said, she continues, my hearing kept getting worse, hence the cochlear implant.
Joey reacts like the sweet angel baby that he is.
And she has done that in full force.
Im blown away, honestly.
Give her the dang date rose, Joey!
(He does.)
A new day dawns, and Joey is prepping for the second group date of the week.
Thats right, ladies!
Then its time for the paint battle royale and the winner gets extra time with Joey, of course.
Why else would they include this?
Edwina is the first to grab a heart, and she scores a point for the blue team.
Joey, Im falling for you!
The Blue Team does NOT love it.
LOL, Joey looks so serene.
Another visit from the Accent Table of Doom.
And the mini-one-on-one date goes to… Edwina!
10/10, no notes, you evil geniuses.
Well, Im happy, says Edwina.
I dont think I should feel sad for going on a date with Joey.
The date takes place at Joeys suite, over wine and a sad little charcuterie tray.
Edwina knows whats expected of her.
Im going to have a go at be vulnerable tonight, she says.
Which is so hard for me.
(Perher bio, she was born in Liberia and moved to the States when she was 11.)
Awww, look at Joey wiping away her tears!
Madina, who is 31, admits that being the oldest one in the house is stressing her out.
I feel like my time is limited, she says.
I really dont have the time to waste.
Instantly, though, she regrets speaking up.
Its okay, girl!
(Plenty of younger women have fertility issues, too, btw.)
Maria, for some reason, takes umbrage at Madinas feelings on her age.
Shes 29, one year older than Joey, and SHE doesnt feel insecure so whats Madinas problem?
Oh, and in case you didnt guess, Edwina gets the date rose.
The next day, Taylor informs Maria that Madina was hurt by what she said.
After all, what if Joey hears about this?
Marias gotta look out for number one!
(Obviously, Sydney was the culprit.)
Night falls, and the cocktail party begins.
Lexi, however, is looking to show Joey her lighter side.
Lexi says museums across the country have displayed her work.
And now, its time for the big reveal.
Okay, thats pretty funny.
Nice job, Lexi!
(Though her rose looks too much like a tulip.)
Joey LOVES it, and they smooch.
He also smooches Kelsey A., but Katelynn refuses to smooch him after he confusesStar WarsandStar Trek.
(Kidding she probably kissed him anyway.)
Elsewhere in the mansion, Maria is still spiraling about making Madina feel bad.
Im worried that this is drama that could affect my situation with Joey, she frets.
(Again, maybe worry about offering Madina a sincere apology instead.
Thats a foolproof drama diffuser.)
Unfortunately, Maria has no clue how to apologize.
Instead, she finds Madina and demands that she explain why her feelings were hurt.
Miraculously, Maria agrees to leave her alone.
But back in the living room, Maria comes in hot, demanding to know who tattled on her.
Sydneys all,I did it!
And Id do it again.She calls Marias tone condescending, and that Madinas feelings are valid.
For this to be a conversation is crazy, she says.
Man, Maria couldnt find the point if it were poking her in the butt.
Maam, this is not about how you feel, nor is it about your intentions.
Madinas feelings were hurt, and no one is asking you to agree with the reasonswhyher feelings were hurt.
Just apologize and move on, FFS.
Oh Lord, Evalin just gave Joey a hand-painted jean jacket.
Joey hugs her and thanks her for the thoughtful gift, because hes a sweetheart.
The night wears on, and Lauren who still hasnt had time with Joey is starting to get impatient.
The anticipation of waiting around to [talk to him] gets to you, she says.
She tracks down her sister and announces, I think Im gonna go.
Allison tries to stop her, but Lauren has her mind made up.
Well, rose lovers, this is where we came in at the start of the episode.
You know what happens next.
I wish you nothing but the best, he says.
Maybe Ill see you at hometowns, she replies.
Man, this show is weird.
And so, we head into the second rose ceremony of the season with one less sister.
Who will join Edwina, Daisy, and Jess in the Circle of SafetyTM?
Rose ceremony roll call!
Which means we must say goodbye to Taylor, Erika, and Marlena.
(At least, I think that was Marlena?
Im pretty sure Ive never seen that woman before in my life.)
Congrats on making it through week two, rose lovers!
A few questions before you go: How much do you love Daisy?
Why is Maria so clueless?
And is it me, or did Joey dodge a major bullet with Lauren?
Let me know your thoughts on Twitter@KristenGBaldwin.
The Bachelorairs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.
