Is that a summer breeze I feel, rose lovers?
It did not go over well.
Though he only knew Sarah for a few weeks, Matt is still sitting outside moping about her departure.
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“We talked about a lot of stuff that I hadn’t shared with anybody,” he says.
“You’re telling me, the first time things get hard, you pack your bag?”
Adds Victoria with a sneer in her voice, “The trash took itself out.”
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But Katie’s had enough.
“Can you stop?”
“She’s gone, there’s no point to keep talking about her or saying negative things.”
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How dare one of her disloyal subjects criticize her choice of insults?
“No I won’t stop, Katie,” she snaps back.
“I’ll keep doing whatever the f— I want!”
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(And yes, this is even though she brought a giant vibrator on night one!)
Chelsea, however, comes prepared with some actual thoughts in her head.
“I literally have been chemically straightening my hair since I was two years old,” she says.
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“All my friends are white.
He even gives her the date rose.
Go on with your glamorous self, Chelsea!
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(Also, you could do better than Matt.)
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Victoria summons Katie and basically tries todemand an apology.
“I just really didn’t like the way you shut me down during group conversation?”
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she scolds in her upspeak-y way.
“And I feel like you’ve done that on multiple occasions?”
“I love my vibrator!”
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For a moment, rose lovers, Victoria is rendered speechless and it’s glorious.
Thank you, Katie, for shutting this wench up… if only for a second.
Wow, is it time for last week’s cocktail party and rose ceremony already?
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Oh Lord, now he’s sitting down with Victoria, and she’s… crying?
“So it’s, like, scary.”
Wait a minute… who’s that lurking in the background?
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Chris Harrisonto the rescue!
“Matt, I need to talk to you right now,” he says gravely.
He leads the Bachelor out of the room and, in fact, out of the building.
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Naturally, this causes a bit of a frenzy among the other “ladies.”
Serena C. hustles over to the front entrance.
“They’re walking out!”
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“Wait, wait, is Sarah here?”
Don’t be silly!
Why would producers bring back one “old” woman when they could import five brand-new vixens instead?
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Let’s meet the new “ladies”!
Brittany, 23 (Model, Chicago):Sparkling wit, dazzling intellect.
She steps out of the limo and immediately forces a kiss on Matt.
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(Emphasis entirely not mine.)
Fortunately for Brittany, she’s come prepped with a good (producer-suggested?)
zinger: “No, they just wanted to save the best for last.”
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Michelle, 27 (Teacher, Edina, Minn.):Pretty dress.
Doesn’t accost Matt, so she’s earning points already.
Ryan, 26 (Dancer/Choreographer, Brooklyn):She gives off some bubbly vibes.
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(And thanks for being an essential frontline worker, Kim!)
out loud in my living room.
Victoria needs to gohome, y’all.
Her schtick is long past its expiration date.
As for the Bachelor, the new arrivals have left him shook and not necessarily in a good way.
“There is a hundred percent chance there will be hostility.
There is a hundred percent chance there’s gonna be drama,” he sighs.
“I’m in trouble.”
Yes, yes you are, sir.
Maybe foryou, pal.)
The Bachelor then raises an invisible glass and offers a toast to the five new women.
“Let’s keep it moving!”
Nemacolin’s interior decorator must be into some freaky shiz.
the aggressive kisser).
“We’re both from Chicago,” she says.
“She’s sketchy.
She’s not here for Matt!”
), in walks Brittany the allegedly sketchy Chicagoan.
Looks like the new “ladies” are ready to claim their time with the Bachelor.
The only new woman we spend any real amount of time with is Michelle.
And yes, she still seems very nice.
Michelle just wants a “down-to-earth person” who will “be there” for the people she loves.
“I’m looking for someone who will change the world with me,” she says.
“I feel like we’d breed well.”
Somehow, it doesn’t sound super creepy coming out of her mouth.
In walks Harrison with his Butter Knife of Bad News.
Who will join Serena P., Rachael, and Chelsea in the circle of safety?
Also, why does Anna always look like she’s smelling a fart?
(Don’t answer that.)
Rose ceremony roll call: MJ, Pieper, Bri, Magi, Michelle (!
), Mari, Ryan (!
), Jessenia, Anna, and Catalina are sticking around.
That means it’s time to say farewell to Khaylah, Kaili, and Kim.
So damn, four of the five new women get to stay!
Good thing one of this week’s group dates involves people punching each other.
But first: Filler!
Oh great, Ben is sticking around for the group date.
First, the “ladies” must paddle across the lake in a giant, hollowed-out pumpkin.
Once they drop the acorn in the bucket, they race on foot to the finish line.
(Side note: Magi runsa non-profitthat provides shoes to girls in developing countries.
Forget Victoria Magi isThe Bachelor’s true queen.)
“I’m pissed off,” she fumes.
Ooooh, do tell, Anna.
Woah, them’s fightin' (and potentially slanderous) words.
What are you basing this on, Anna?
“She may be having a transactional relationship with wealthy men.”
We know what “escort” means, honey.)
“I feel it,” she says with a flirty nose crinkle.
And wouldn’t you know it?
Bri gets the date rose!
In front of the entire group!
“That, like, you’re an escort, and all this stuff.”
“Making a conclusion about me before you even know me… that’s s—ty.
I just feel like everyone’s against me right now.”
Victoria responds with a boozy sneer: “Okay then, get out the house!”
Of course, she says it while refusing to make eye contact and hiding behind her champagne flute.
(No turtleneck, thankfully.)
Today’s activity is an “extreme scavenger hunt,” allegedly planned by Chris Harrison.
(In between rounds of golf, perhaps?)
First up is the traditional Bachelor leap of faithTM… in this case, a zip line.
Sure is pretty there in Nemacolin.
At long last, we come to the hot air balloon kiss we sawin the super-teaseweeks ago.
At dinner, we’re treated to the episode’s second (relatively) substantive conversation about race.
“I don’t want to just pass the time,” says Michelle.
Then she quotes Maya Angelou and shockingly, Matt recognizes the quote!
(Though there’s evidence to suggest thatMaya Angelou never said it.)
Either way, Matt and Michelle are definitely really digging each other, and she gets the date rose.
Then they make out in the back of a vintage car.
Congrats, person who seems legitimately decent!
It’s time to fight for Matt.
That’s Katie pummeling the crap out of Jessenia in the GIF above.
“Fun and games are over,” he says, as Rachael and Pieper trade brutal blows.
“That emotion comes out and they started going… and it was kinda frightening.”
Damn right it was!
Lauren almost broke Serena C.’s neck, for Pete’s sake.
Get some ice for that swelling, “ladies,” and we’ll see you at the after-party.
So could the editors, for that matter.
Katie listens for a few minutes and then interjects.
A mature woman in a sea of mean girls we have no choice but to stan!
“I’m not even exaggerating.”
The Bachelor agrees, saying he’ll “never stand for” this kind of behavior.
“Who’s spreading these rumors, and why?”
says Matt, adding that no one will be able to “bully their way to my heart.”
Let’s hope not!
Could Michelle be a front-runner after one date?
And was that Matt’s real dancing, or fake “funny” dancing?
Post your thoughts below!
