Oh boy, rose lovers.
Im not someone who loves drama, Joey announces as the episode opens.
To even hear the word bully scares me.
The ASKN ladies arrive on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
Wait, who calledwhoa bully?
Well get to that.
But lets back up and start from the beginning.
Sydney gets shouty on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
Dare to dream.)
It really sucks to be on a date with Maria, she grouses.
Still, the vintage store owner says shes going to make the best of it.
Lexi shows Joey her talent on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
Right than to have… a pageant!
Sorry, maam, but Im going to have to disagree with you there.
Yeah, that tracks.
Joey crowns his Mrs. Right on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
says the Bachelor, mock offended.
Calm down, buddy!
Its just a hypothetical.
Joey gets scolded by Maria on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
No big surprises during the interview portion.
(Is it wrong that I was hoping someone would pulla Miss South Carolina?)
The talent competition, however, does feature some highlights.
Madina’s lips are sealed on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
Edwina sings a song she wrote for Joey, and shes quite good.
Maria busts out some dance moves, and Chrissa makes a few dying-moose sounds on the trumpet.
Whats her talent, you ask?
Joey and Jenn share a surfing smooch on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
I guess its supposed to be some kind of cheer, but no one seems inclined to clap.
That was hilarious, says Edwina, giggling.
Sydney was just going to blow our minds away, and thats what she did.
Joey pops the question on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
Next up is Lexi, who announces that her talent is being the worlds best kisser.
I think you might see where this is going, rose lovers…
The other women do NOT love it but who cares?
Joey greets his dates on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
Theyre not the ones choosing the pageant winner.
Indeed, Lexi takes the crown and the sash.
Right to Lexi because I felt like she was the one who surprised me, says Joey.
Tennis legend Pam Shriver serves up shots on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
It was out of her comfort zone, and thats what today was.
The women are salty.
Girl, hes looking for a wife, not the next American Idol.
Evalin and Kelsey celebrate on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
Just get over it.
At the afterparty, Joey tells Kelsey A. that he was blown away by her pageant performance.
Im just so excited about you, Kelsey, adds the Bachelor.
Rachel has attachment issues on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
I almost cant describe it, but it feels so right.
You know whos not fun to be around right now?
She sits down with Joey and begins carping at him for giving Lexi the Mrs. Today was actually really hard for me, she says.
Joey checks out Daisy’s implant on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
Look at poor Joey!
He was not expecting to be scolded tonight.
Im a little surprised that it was so uncomfortable for you, he says.
Joey gives Katelyn the date rose on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
You work a crowd, and you are a ball of energy.
I do want to know more [about you], he adds.
I wanted to see if there was something that you wanted to share.
Eat the chicken, Daisy. JUST EAT IT!.ABC
I dont know, she says hesitantly.
If I had to describe it, I felt like I was being bullied.
Normalize not tattling over stupid s— on this television program!
Sydney talks smack on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
If theres something I need to know, I need to know it.
He almost sounds angry.
Can you imagine making our sweet angel baby Joey angry?
Rose ceremony No. 3 on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
For the love of God, ladies, get it together.
Anyhow, Kelsey A. gets the date rose.
Joey has one last thing to say before heading out for the night.
Maria and Sydney head into battle on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
With that, he exits, leaving the women to stew in their own anxiety.
What the f— was that about?
mutters Maria under her breath.
Madina fills the silence by telling the women about her conversation with the Bachelor.
I told him how I felt about the other night when I was waiting for him, she says.
Then she turns to Maria.
I didnt refer to you as a bully I said I felt bullied.
Marias response: Wait you referred to me as a bully?
She literally just said she did NOT refer to you as a bully.
And so, were back where we were last week.
Rather than take responsibility for hurting Madinas feelings, she demands that Madina explain her feelings.
Marias all,Zip it, blondie.
Youre the one who started this!
Eventually, she does manage to offer Madina something close to an apology.
Im sorry you feel that way, she says.
Oh, but Marias not done.
Sydney, missy troublemaker, you should probably stop!
Youre making things worse!
Sydney shoots back that Maria is catty and she doesnt want to be friends with her anyway.
I dont understand where this is coming from, Maria says.
Sydney decides shes done contributing to this particular narrative, so she gets up and leaves the room.
Oh, my God, I feel so weird about you, Maria whimpers.
The other women just sit there silently, but most of them appear to be Team Maria.
This whole thing has just been blown out of proportion, says Allison.
I do not think Maria is a bully.
Everyones still talking about the dust-up the next morning.
Sydney called Maria a bully, says Edwina.
But shes not that person…
I feel like Sydney is blowing it out of proportion.
Ive seen people who have been bullied, and this is not the case.
After picking out some surfboards and wetsuits, they head down to the water to surf some waves.
Before hitting the water, they toast with a beer.
Youve got to look in my eyes [when we drink], says Jenn.
Its seven years of bad sex if you dont.
(Also, should they maybe not be drinking before trying to surf?)
Jenn and Joey have a good time on the waves.
I think that we just click in a lot of ways.
As the sun sets, they head back to the beach and make out in the surf.
That night, Joey and Jenn head to dinner at… theHollywood Forevercemetery and funeral home?
Um, thats an interesting choice.
I guess producers are just trying to drive home the til death do us part aspect of marriage.
Over food they do not touch, Jenn Opens UpTM about her family history.
As a kid, my parents relationship got really bad, she says.
I never really felt truly loved, she adds.
My dad is not a part of my life anymore.
They smooch for a bit, and then Joey takes his date outside for the big finale.
Its a bit early, dont you think?
No, silly, the light up sign in the sky wants to know if youll accept this rose!
(Answer: Yes.)
On to group date number two!
Today, the women will be competing for glory in the first-ever Bachelor Open.
Fortunately, they have some experts on hand to help them warm up:James BlakeandPam freaking Shriver.
Im the one fan-girling right now just being next to them, he gushes.
Okay, but why couldnt ABC spring for a real tennis ball machine?
Youve got Olympic gold medalist Pam Shriver out here using aNerf tennis-ball cannon made to play fetch with dogs.
First to five games wins the coveted (?)
The women 1,000 percent understood the assignment today, says Joey.
The outfits are hysterical.
Theyre owning it, and its a good game!
), but Hot Dog and Bun win the first match.
(Great, now Im hungry.)
Katelyn sits down with Joey first, and her opening line is… a choice.
I actually need to tell you about something, she says.
So, I have, like a family curse.
Dont worry, its not as bad as it sounds.
All the women in Katelyns family, including her mom and her five aunts, are single.
(Is that really a curse?
Joey, bless his heart, just goes with it.
Why do you think thats the case?
If theyre anything like you, I find it hard to believe that youre still single.
(Good response, sir!)
Katelyn says shes had a few serious relationships, but she does not want to settle.
As for her mom, she values her independence.
(Even better response, sir!)
This man is a gem.
Man, its really tangled up in there.
We might need help!
Joey calls out to the crew.
Of course, Joey LOVES it.
They share a smooch, and no one gets stuck.
He doesnt, so she moves on to her next question: Do you want to touch it?
Joeys all,Sure, why not?
(Three for three in perfect responses, my man!)
This time around, Joey doesnt have to give a scold-y speech before handing out the group date rose.
I really do appreciate all of you, he says, before offering the rose to Katelyn.
Take that, curse!
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Sydney is still bad-mouthing Maria.
Shes intimidated by me because Im the only one who stuck up for Madina, she complains.
Im not one to, like, tattle, says Sydney.
But its to the point where its, like, crossing the line.
Look, is Maria a little abrasive?
Does she sometimes fail to strike the right tone when communicating with her fellow contestants?
But is she a mean girl, as Sydney claims?
This is very much a bitchy pot calling the annoying kettle black situation.
And its all about to come to a head.
And not just any pool party.
A (promotional consideration provided by) KFC pool party!
Are they angling to increase market share among Instagram girlies ages 23-31?
Good luck with that, guys.
Today, the Bachelor is just looking to hang out with the ladies and have a fun time.
Cut to:
And there it is.
She, like, verbally attacked me and I just sat there.
Girl, what are you doing?
Sure, Joey hasnt seen it yet, but he will.
you’re free to only take me at my word.
Im telling you no, [it didnt happen], says Maria, after an emotional pause.
You are correct, sir!
just feel free to send Sydneys pot-stirring butt home!
This is the worst pool party Ive ever been to in my life, says Rachel with a sigh.
So, it sucks.
And what happens next sucks even more.
Tink!Enter Jesse Palmer with his Butter Knife of Bad News.
Oh, Sydney must think its Opposite Day!
All the other women just sit there, saying nothing, which is lame.
They all know Sydney is full of it so they least they could do is counter her obvious lies.
But no one wants to be Sydneys next target, I suppose.
What a bummer way to end the week.
Lets get this rose ceremony over with already!
Im sad to leave, but I have great things waiting for me at home.
I know my guy is out there, and so you can find him I have to leave.
Hell yeah, honey!
Youre gonna be ok.
What a wild leg of Joeys journey, rose lovers.
Youd better get your rest before next week, which will feature two (!)
episodes, God help us all.
Before you go, a few questions: Who are your (very early) picks for Bachelorette?
When was the last time you had KFC?
Let me know your thoughts on Twitter@KristenGBaldwin.
The Bachelorairs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.
