Greetings, fellow rose lovers!
Tonights premiere ofThe Bachelorincluded sibling rivalry,“Can I steal you?”
drama, and a banana gimmick that made me and dare I say the Bachelor himself quite uncomfortable.
Joey cries on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
The evening begins with an ominously emotional flash-forward to the Proposal PlatformTM.
ABC
Eventually, Joey heaves a heavy sigh and walks away from the Platform.
You think anyone is going to turn this man down?
Joey Graziadei and Jesse Palmer on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
Not buying it, Team Bachelor.
Carly asks him with a laugh.
So sorry, sis, but your brother will not keep his lips to himself tonight.
Lexi meets Joey on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
(More on that later.)
Someone who feels very comfortable in their own skin.
Aaand weve made it to the mansion!
Rachel presents Joey with a lei on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
HostJesse Palmergreets our Bachelor and then drops this bomb: Joey, youre making history tonight…
There are more women showing up here tonight than we have ever had on this show before!
Did anyone elses feel a sharp pain in their soul upon hearing this news?
Maria and her dad on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
These two-hour premieres already feel four days long.
WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS TO US?
Ugh, lets just get to it.
Erika on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
Lexi, 30 (Digital strategist, Atlanta):
YES to starting the night off with a 30-year-old.
Dont worry, girl there are lots of ways to build a family.
Doesnt he give off I used to be the road bassist for Bon Jovi vibes?
Kelsey A. brings a friend on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
Im guessing itssome kind of trademark issue, but I’m not sure.
(Cue “The More You Know” music.)
Erika (25, leasing agent, New Jersey)
We stan a girl with confidence.
Chrissa leads with her heart on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
Sounds like a plan.
(God doesnt give with both hands, folks.)
But Autumn takes it in stride, and they have a perfectly fine introductory chat.
Mark your calendars, Bachelor Nation.ABC
(25, junior project manager, Louisiana)
Watch out, Joey.
This New Orleans girl is about to practice the ancient art of Voodoo on your ass.
Chrissa (26, marketing director, British Columbia)
Im liking the energy on this one.
Lauren and Allison on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
she says with a big smile, wrapping Joey in a hug.
And the Bachelor seems impressed, too.
Ooop, weve still got 25 (!)
Chug! Chug! Chug!.ABC
(Man, they are just breezing through these intros right now!
Keep it moving!)
Uh, that doesnt actually make sense, but okay.
Uhhhh….ABC
Our next contestant is actually a two-for-one.
It wont just be weird foryou, maam.
As predicted, Lauren remains undefeated, though Joey does let out an impressive burp after he finishes chugging.
Jenn has a need for speed on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
Were now at the halfway point for introductions, so things are slowing down a bit.
It looks like we have chemistry!
Im sorry… am I the only one seeing this?
Lame bit, ahoy!.ABC
c’mon tell me you see it too, rose lovers.
But not as big a groan as the next entrance.
I mean, come ON, Team Bachelor.
Taylor offers Joey some support on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
Youve gotta try a little harder with these puns.
Keep it simple!Lanie (27, realtor, Philadelphia)gets it.
Okay, now thats a good pun.
Evalin makes her entrance on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
And no gas-guzzling trucks required!
Taylor (23, recruiter, Chicago)
This is a HUGE bra!
Indeed, it is, sir.
Daisy brings some holiday cheer on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
I wanted to show you Im here for the massive support, explains Taylor.
I mean, as far as puns go, that ones okay.
Were not gonna go crazy, he jokes.
Lea pushes the envelope on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
I was just practicing my tennis grunts, she says coyly.
Lets hope her school board doesnt see this.
It took me a lot of balls to come here, she says.
Joey faces his future on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
In fact, Daisy grew up on one!
It honestly completely changed my life, she says.
But I havent dated since I got my implant, and so Im super nervous.
Joey gives Jess the first smooch on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
And once she gets inside the mansion, Daisys anxiety starts to peak again.
Somebody should have told me this wasAmericas Next Top Model.
No, but theres a good chance you will have to endure a photo shoot date.
Jenn and Joey on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
Our final hopeful of the night isLea (23, account manager, Hawaii).
Shes been holding on to that cardsince last summer, yall!
But Lea asks Joey to find her later so they can pop swing open the envelope together.
Joey and Daisy on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
I do truly believe that my future fiancee and wife is here tonight, the Bachelor tells the women.
I truthfully feel more confident than ever that Im ready to find my person.
All right, man get to it!
Palmer delivers the First Impression Rose on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
My grandparents knew each other for two weeks before they got engaged, she says.
And theyve been married for 67 years.
Okay, so maybe getting engaged after two months isntthatoutrageous.
Jess eavesdrops on Joey and Taylor on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
Erika is up next, and Joey says he likes her spunk and that shes very sweet.
From there, he heads outside to sit with Jess on the back of her speedboat.
Youre a walking green flag, Jess raves.
Chef’s kiss.ABC
You are everything Ive been looking for in a partner and a relationship.
(Also, is it just me, or does Jess already seem a little tipsy?)
Shes got this traveler and this love for life inside of her, says Joey.
Allison smooches Joey on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
Before long, hes leaning in for a kiss.
The women do NOT love it.
There are gasps and squeals, and one women even yells, Is he sober?
Lea reads her card on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
Taylor finds Jess kiss-and-tell moment very disrespectful, and awkward, uncomfortable, and weird.
Agreed on all points.
(With 3-2-1, you dont go ON one, girl!)
Joey gives Lea the First Impression Rose on ‘The Bachelor’.ABC
Cut to: Kiss number two!
Heres hoping Jenn kept the smooch on the DL.
Edwina informs Joey that cooking is the way she expresses her love, and Lanie talks about her dog.
Im new to having a cochlear implant, and I didnt think it would be this overwhelming for me.
She seems genuinely sweet, and she urges Joey to be kind to himself when the process gets stressful.
Im so excited for you, Daisy continues.
And whatever happens, Ill be cheering you on.
The Bachelor LOVES it.
She has this soft-spoken demeanor that pulls you in, thats captivating, she says.
Im drawn to it.
Number three, rose lovers!
And the night is barely half over.
Speaking of the halfway point…
Jess thinks shes got the First Impression Rose in the bag.
Shes so confident, in fact, that she interrupts Taylors chat with Joey.
Do you care if I steal him for a quick sec?
But Jess brushes it off.
Im definitely not here to make friends, she drawls.
As soon as Jess comes back into the mansion, Taylor pulls Jess aside to voice her displeasure.
Taylors all,Whatever, karma is my boyfriend.
Remember how Allison and Lauren said they werent going to tell anyone that they were sisters?
This leads to some A+++ trolling byThe Bachelor’s graphics team.
As you’re able to see from their faces, the women are understandably perplexed.
bellows Nat, while the others just stare at them, confused and a little grossed out.
Unfortunately, now its time for Joey to learn this uncomfortable truth.
Will Allison have better luck?
Short answer: Yes.
Lauren is NOT happy.
(Also, our Kiss Count is now 4.)
The Bachelor, bless him, says he kinda put that together given the womens similar backgrounds.
Damn, that is harsh.
Say it with me, rose lovers: The Devil works hard, butBachelorproducers work harder.
I want to feel excited.
A one-on-one date is so important, she says, tearing up.
But, like, its going to have to come at the expense of someone else.
And like, all of the girls in there are so wonderful.
Lea is still a little teary when she sits down with Joey.
She gives him the card to read, and then explains why it makes her uncomfortable.
I want to give a lot of autonomy to you and your journey, says Lea.
After her chat with Joey, Lea goes inside to break the news to the other women.
(And yes, she cries again.)
The women are super annoyed-slash-bummed, and Lea seems truly burdened by this awesome new power.
But then, a miracle happens!
Yep, Lea tossed that demon card into the fire!
I just want to do what feels right in my heart, she says.
The women applaud, though no doubt many of them would have used it if given the chance.
(Somebody jumpin in that fire, though!
jokes Kelsey T.)
With that bullet dodged, everyone turns their attention to the First Impression Rose.
Will it go to Lexi, the brunette bombshell who loves golf (kiss number 5)?
Survey says…
Awww, would you look at that!
Tink!Jesse Palmer is here with his Butter Knife of Bad News.
The cocktail party is over, and its time for the first rose ceremony of the season.
Its just disappointing, she says, wiping away her tears.
I didnt even realize I cared that much.
(Girl, this isnt about Joey.
You just pulled an all-nighter in heels, for Petes sake!)
(Not producers telling Joey to call one sisters name first and the other ones last!
Such evil geniuses.)
(No one make a crying meme of Sandra, okay?
The womans been through enough.)
Welp, we made it through week one, rose lovers!
Who are your early favorites?
Anyone you actively dislike?
Let me know your thoughts on X@KristenGBaldwin.
The Bachelorairs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.
